chapter 1: wash my knickers
Sunday morning on the banks of the Parramatta river in Sydney harbour, the Opera house stands majestic and glowing in the warm early morning summer sun. A millionaires yacht slowly glides past the historic building, a father points out the finer points, educating his children of the beauty and history of this historic landmark. It is another beautiful day. Waltzing Mathilde can be heard from a radio on the banks of the river. Suddenly little Frankie points to the water and screams...
"Godstruth dad, I just saw fuckin' Nemo, let's fry the little bastard..."
Everyone on the boat fall around laughing...it was then I opened my eyes and I thought
'What the fuck was that all about....it has bugger all to do with this story. So try to get that image out of your head.
Who am I my name is ?, I am a private investigate, one with a difference, I only accept the cases everyone else rejects. I jumped into my sports car and headed up the coast to my next case in Adelaide, I was....stop stop stop, fucking stop this shit, day dreaming again
We are transported like a fart in the 'mistral' winds of Southern France, to a cold rainy wet and damp imaginary land.
For there on the shores of the Polluted river. In front of the Scary Jaggy mountain range, lies the not so sleepy town Foddlebeurg.
It is here our story begins, at the neighbours house of not so famous Opera singer Sid House......
"Stop stop in the name my later husband's dead pet squirrel Arthur." screamed Ethel von Buggerlugs hyphen Arz in the general direction of Luvalot Crackopen the 3rd. Her adopted pet sister and utensil thing .
"I can't believe it, you washed my silk knickers with your woollies, you utter utter utter fanny. " she screamed further less than amused with the help.
Ethel was a woman of great stature, in figure and attitude, she was a 60 year old widow of 10 years, but still carried her husband's name, General Bert hyphen Arz, and his ashes about in her purse.
This was distrubing to others, as she has to rake about in the ash looking for change, but as she said.
"It makes me feel close to him..."
It was suggested she might put it in an urn, but she just dismissed it as ludicrous.
Dancing blindly, like a mole on acid, Luvalot just danced out of the room, totally ignoring the words of Ethel. She was of Polish decent , her real name was Romin Indegloamin, but has nothing to do with this case, maybe another....but who knows except me and I am a selfish bastard and am keeping it to myself....any she emigrated to Foddleburg in the great flood of '84 and has lived with Ethel since the old bag fished her out of the Pollute, the river that runs straight through Foddleburg and directly past Ethel's house.
Ethel had on more than one occasion, 6,482 times to be exact, tried to pon Luvalot of to anyone who would have her, sailors, bakers, even the candlestick makers of Earwax Alley, but to no avail. Yes the they would all try her out for a night, but they always brought her back the next day.
Ethel always wondered while she counted the money, why this was, but it may be the fact she never washed her hairy underregions and there were always flies around or the fact she farted at a steady pace of 2 farts a minute.
Strange things were happening in Fodlleburg, strange things indeed. Apart from the usual mass murder, embezzlement and rape cases, you know the normal things in a busy town, there was something very strange on the go.
As Luvalot danced passed the window and saw a strange small fat shadow lurking amongst the bushes at the bottom of the garden near the compost heap.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHSKI!!!!!" She screamed in a very high Polish girlie voice
"Stone the crows and the pigeons as well...you utter gobshite," Ethel roared "I could have peed my pants......" she paused for a large drink of brandy, before continuing "if I had been wearing any. Quick Luv fetch me my anLuv pee panties "
But Luvalot's face went from happy to shock within millisecond.
"No chanski, stoneski the fucky fucky crowski " Bo peeped
'"WHAT!!!!" bellowed Ethel
"Lookski" Bo was crying by now " lookski, the washski line, goneski, panties goneski, nickedski"
Both women frose for a second then darted for the window
But when they appeared at the window, this little fat shadow disappeared into the night. Which was acually a very strange thing within itself, because it was 2 in the afternoon and it was a beautiful sunny spring afternoon.
I told you, didn't I, strange things were happening in Foddleburg, but would you listen...oh no you just ignored me, now I am in the huff and don't want to continue......
"Oh for fuck sake, get on with it, I shaved my pubes and legs for this, you big nobhead. " Ethel screamed at me
Being the wimp that I am, I will obey and continue, now read on.....
We shoot across to the Police headquarters.
"You cunt..." Ethel screamed at me " you promised us a bigger part in this book..."
But when I try to answer Luvalot sticks her boobs into the conversation.
"Yeahski fuckov" she screamed in perfect broken Englisir
I tried to explain, I had given them the honour of opening the book, but still the abuse was hurled in my general direction like a monkey throwing his fiesece at people at the zoo.
Quickly, I closed the door to this section, even I could hear their angry rantings and swearing, I felt safe. I might bring them back into the story at a later date, but who knows what is going on in that head of mine...well definitely not me
"Mince" cried Inspector Poopoo...."I'll have anything but mince, last time I had that, I had the shits for about a fortnight." They were ordering food from the local Indian, for the afternoon shift at Fodlleburg Police station.
"...and I don't want rat." he continued "Rat is worse than mince...I dared not sleep, with that bloody cat in the room, after I had eaten bloody rat. Bloody cat nearly nibbled my bloody ear off."
"I'll just get chips then for you." P.C. Bumwillie said
"Aye lad, nowt wrong with chips." the Inspector replied.
Soon the red alarm phone rang.
"Foddleburg Police Station, how can we bloody ignore you?" Sargent Squinty remarked.
A mumbling could be heard coming from the other end of the line.
"Hold on a bloody moment, sir." the sarge said "....oh I mean ma'am. let me get someone who bloody understands bloody mumble."
P.C. Bumwillie, bloody front desk, bloody immediately."
The running sound of big tackety boots running could be heard through the hallway.
"And for Christ sake, Bumwillie, tell bloody old man Billy Goat, to stop bloody running in the bloody hall or at least put on bloody running shoes....bloody pest."
It will not be a surprize to hear, the sergeant's nickname is Bloody Squinty
"Here." the sarge grunted "find out what the old bag wants." handing the phone to the P.C.
"Morning P.C. Bumwillie, how can I help you," he said
"Mumble mmuuhhhaa mummble mmmuuuubbbaaaahhhh." was heard.
"Aha!, I see and the reason is?" the P.C. enquired
"Mummmbble mum ble mmmmmmuuuhhaaa mumbel." again was heard.
"Okay, I'll see what I can do, but ma'am, may I suggest putting your teeth in before calling next time. Good morning." the P.C. hung up.
"Well?" the Sargent asked the young policeman.
"Well." he said " she started with Mumble mmuuhhhaa mummble mmmuuuubbbaaaahhhh and then continued with, Mummmbble mum ble mmmmmmuuuhhaaa mumbel , very strange indeed." the P.C. remarked.
"In the name of Juniper's underpants, what the hell does it mean, you idiot." the sergeant screamed.
"Oh!" giggled Bumwillie before continuing "There has been a murder at the Von Buggerlugs estate."
A silent pause fell upon the surroundings before the P.C. realised and then he screamed.
'THERE HAS BEEN A MURDER AT THE VON BUGGERLUGS ESTATE FOR OLD PERSONS AND NUTJOBS."
(Pause for really scary music)
chapter 2 take your finger out of the dog, Reginald
Merry old man Gertrude Gumboots was working in his garden when he was alarmed to hear so many sirens, as they whizzed past his small cottage. Especially since his street was a dead end. So as you could guess, he was a little less surprised to hear the same racket after about a minute, racing through his street, but this time going in the other direction
He was called Gertrude by his parents, just before they put him up for adoption. His parents were cold hearted and evil sadistic bastards, fully pledge members of the Foddleburg Nazi party and bingo club. They had honestly no reason for christening him this other for the one they were cunts.
He grunted and moaned as he continued to spread manure all over his prize tomatoes.
Well, when I say spread manure, I meant to say he was shitting on them. His pajama bottoms and lady like panties down around his ankles baring his rosy cheeks to his red beauties.
This was a regular occurance. Gertrude shitting on his plants.
The neighbours didn't mind, well they were always at each others throats argueing, but every thursday in the church hall directly behind his garden they held the meetings of the 51st platoon of the local girl guides and since there is no merit badge for arse sighting, he had received a restraining order banning him from gardening on thursdays.
The Old man was a strange bugger, when his deranged makers put him up for adoption directly after birth, he was raised by a pack of wolves at the local zoo, he was not human friendly and would bite anyone near him, especially Eggie the Postman, man he hated him, as he only brought him bad news and the uniform just needed to be biten....
The only person that could come close was self trained chemist Doctor Ali-Bob, the Pakistani chemist owner. Who's shop was at the corner of Horseshoe Lane and Jackhitthe Road.
"Ayewis be kind tae wolves, Jimmy, de ye no ken thur endangered species. Ach aye the noo." He said in his broad Glaswegian accent.
You see Ali-Bob was not Pakistani, he was born and bred in Govan and he coloured his face with boot polish.
The locals dared not say anything, for fear of being branded a racist.
Old man Gumboots peered through his bottle-thick glasses as the police cars sped by, screaming.
"Bloody hooligans will be wrecking the day care centre again. Buggers aren't even old enough to walk."
He knew that today was the day that local football team, Foddleburg United played there arch rivals Sheepmollesters F.C. and that game always ended in mayhem, players, supporters, Granny's, shop keepers, everyone got involved in the aggro.
He gave one more push and a groan and the last of his manure landed with a thud on his tomatoes.
"Time to clean my tools." he said wiping his bottom with an old Dundee F.C. scarf.
He wondered off into the house, to watch his favourite gardening programme; Shitting with Tom.
As he shuffeled info his house he could here the neighbours argue, they always argued. Day and night, night and day, even at the weekend and on holidays, with the exception of New years day. For it was then they spent time apart or on the 12th of October, for some strange reason. They claimed it was a sacred day, when the real Messiah was born. Not in December, when the rest of society celebrated, no that was when, as they would say: 'that bloody hippy was born.' To them the 12thof October was special and they were relaxed....Halleluyah!!!!
"Reginald, Reginald." Fiona Fartington screamed at husband Bert.
"The name is Bert, you stupid cow." He replied in an a voice that was applied in a very firm manner. Thay had this same tedious conversation every day, because Reginald was Fiona's first husband and she never forgave him for well.... just dying...the utter bastard.
I mean how selfish can one man be, leaving her to survive in this cruel world with nothing more than the 5 million she inherited from his life insurance policy money reveived apon his death. Ignore those bloody rumours his death was suspicious. There was no evidence to support the rumour she stabbed him with scissors, when she clearly accidently fell on him............ 25 times. She did however plead guilty to running at the time and received a 2 pound fine and a slap on her bottom.
I don't know how she did it, but that brave woman picked herself up and got her life back on the rails. It was at one of the meetings she attended at the Millionaires Anonomous, she met Bert. They fell in love, they had a beautiful soring wedding and by the end of june had signed a new life insurance policy for Bert
And so she christened everyone Reginald, even the dog.
"Reginald, would you please take you finger out of the dog, we have a thermometer to check is temperature"
Bert and the dog Reginald both just smiled, they knew the truth.
They would get their revenge very soon.
Meanwhile on the other side of town at the SpecyGitt library.
"hippety bippety hopping mad me is" screamed Wilma-huthen-Nostupido, the local Librarian "I swear I will do more than to ban that stupid boy from the library. Every time the same problem. He rips the last page out of the book. Hell and damnation for him."
She was referring of course to the 11-year-old Cedric Mousesquasher, who couldn't read, but his mother made him join the library. So he thought he would make it just as much fun for others as it was for him.
Cedric was a very fat child, he had a craving for worms and ice cream. He was bullied a lot at school, but his revenge was his silent farts during class.
"Bastarding books." He claimed "and bastarding bookworms as well."
Cedric was a boy of few words but liked using the word bastard, an awful lot.
But he did have a mobile phone, which he swore at a lot.
Wilma was busy cleaning the library, for the Royal visit of King Odinga of Ahgettaefukastan, who was touring the lands libraries to pick up knowledge ahead of his royal wedding to his 31st bride. This bride was a bonus bride and would not be needed in the months of February, April, June and September, but most definitely would be used in the other months of the year and sometimes in a leap year.
She sang merrily as she worked
"Dusting the books from the cobwebs they have, dum didee dum didee dum dum dum. Washing the windows, fumigate the bogs, stinky poo stinky poo, poopie stink poo poo."
She loved her work and love the fact she could tell children to..."Shut up!"
Although she was a spinster, she always dreamed of having children to boss around and this was her dream come true. She never passed the exams to become a Primary school teacher, her views on corporal punishment bordered on the edge of Sadomasochism and the school board were not in favour of 'Hanging the little fuckers up by their ankles to teach them manners" as she put it. No, they frowned upon that, the old farts, as she liked to call them.
But she hated the little buggers with a passion.
Her dream was one day to hang Cedric up by the balls, but she dared not tell anyone, as this just might cost her job.
Ah poor Wilma, caught in this evil web, the library spiders had spun.
Suddenly, the office phone sounded.
'Tring tring.....tring tring '
"Yes, you have reached the Specygit Library, you are talking to head librarian Wilma, how may I assist you?" Wilma said in her poshest of posh voices.
"I beg your par-don, could you repeat that!" She continued, but finally lost her patience and exploded...
"What the fuck!,are you fucking kidding me...fuck sake. ...Jesus H. Christ" she screamed.
The whole library heard her outburst and there was more than a little shock.
P.C. Bumwillie and his Police cadett partner Shaun O'Stinkyballs were on their way to the murder case.
"D'ya think they will have raped the victim as well." Shaun enquired.
You see he was obsessed with rape cases, an obsession he had since Father O'learyleary made him play bouncy bouncy on his willie after mass one day.
P.C. Bumwillie just sighed like an 18 year old porn star in a film.
"Would you please control that obscene obsession, you daft doughnut." The P.C. remarked.
"Base to car 5, base to car 5, come in Bumwillie." Was heard over the car radio. It was W.P.C. Ema Boobjob.
"Bumwillie here, go ahead Ema....over"
"Could you go passed the Specygit Library, we just received a stressed call from the head Librarian....over"
"We are heading to the Von Buggerlugs estate, can't anyone else go.....over" Bumwillie eas getting rather irritated.
"That's a negative, asswipe" the sarge interupted " everyone else is at the football match, you'll have to cover it...over and out"
"For fuck sake" Bumwillie screamed "it doesn't rain, but it fucking pisses down."
"I thought it was rather nice weather " the O'stinkyballs remarked smugly
"You can shutthe fuck up for starters" Bumwillie screamed.
Withing the blink of a (slow creature) eye, they had arrived.
It was mayhem when they drove into the grounds of the VON BUGGERLUGS ESTATE FOR OLD PERSONS AND NUTJOBS, people jumping out windows, running around naked and loys of people dancing.
A considerable amount of people dancing, but when we look more closely at the facts, it was just a normal day in the home and no-one had a clue about a murder.
When I said, people were running about naked, I failed to mention that there was one, naked dude crawling around in the rose garden, that being slackboy, but more about him later.
chapter 3: Dibs it's mine
"Get out of the trash can." Nurse Ratbag screamed in her Operetic voice, to the old gardener Sammy Havengreenfingers.
"But Ma-am" he replied " I just seen a perfectly good onion, with only just a nibble out of it and I needs if fur me mince." He continued.
"Haven't you got a home to go to" she continued
"No ma-am I got evicted from the airing cupboard and now I lives in the garden shed."
Nurse Ratbag sighed the sigh of an 84 year old prostitute, but decided to leave Sammy in peace, because she just didn't have time today for his stupidity.
On turning away, she was met by the Police car as it drove up the driveway
"Finally" she remarked
"Sorry for the delay, ma-am. I had an unexpected explosion in my panty region and filled them." The P.C. explained. "I can't see the panty thief stealing these." He laughed, pulling out a poop covered boxer short from a plastic bag..... but he was the only one that laughed.
"Follow me" nurse ratbag said "If you walk this way, I will show you where the body is. "
The 2 policemen walked behind the nurse wiggling their bottoms, exactly like the fat arsed nurse did. I know a cheap joke, but it is always good for a giggle.
They entered a hallway with rooms on either side. They passed ex Colonel Badger Arsewipe-Sinthyn-Smythe's room and were immediately branded..... "Bloody Germans"... as the Colonel's brain was lost in the war and he was now totally demented. "We don't need you bloody Krauts clogging up the mess hall."
Everytime the Colonel saw someone dressed in a uniform, they were always bloody Germans. So you can imagine the mayhem when the Colonel and Mrs Colonel went for a weekend to Berlin. They were evey bloody place. The result is they were deported within 30 minutesof arriving, now he now safe in his own little world.
Finally the nursean Police Officers reached the locked door to the room where the body was.
"Her name is Old Anne Hubbard, but everyone just called her mother. She was 93, but very active for her age. Always walking to the supermark, which was 3 miles away. I don't understand it, but her cupboards were always bare.
Nurse Ratbag opened the door and the smell of wet dog, urine and tripe.
"Good grief." The young P.C. barfed. Throwing up all over the back of the Nurse's crisp white uniform and her perm hairdo, she just had done the day before at Luigi Bum's hair salon. The busiest hairdresser in all the land. His slogan was : if you let Luigi work on you, a happy ending's guarenteed. His salon was always packed.
P.C. Bumwillie laughed out loud " ha ha ha" he giggled " yes siree you never quite get used to the smell of tripe and urine, just like my Granny Foostyfud's house."
The nurse was less than happy, with bits of lettace and hamburger hanging in the back of her perm and diced carrots every place, it was yucky and slippy. As assistant male nurse Egonizfaze found out, it was as slippy as the ice rink on the coldest nights. He was sliding all over the place and finally went head first through the dining room glass door.....now there was blood and diced carrots every place.
At that precise moment the porter Rufus W. Negroman poked his head around the door and inhaled with a massive sniff.
"God I love the smell of tripe and urine." He mumbled.
P.C Bumwillie erupted again into a fit of laughter.
The young Police Cadett emptied his guts into the waste paper basket.
"What's up with him?" Rufus asked Bumwillie.
"Tripe and urine ." He laughed "Tripe and urine"
Whereapon they both fell into a fit of laughter, doing there best to avoid the sick and especially the dreaded diced carrots.
The young Police Cadett just moaned, with his head stuck in the wicker basket. Something I might add not made to contain liquid materials, so as you can imagine sick was oozing out everyplace.
Nurse Ratbag was at her wits end, but being the professional she was and one of noble blood she held it together. For one does not simply fall to pieces when a problem arises, even when covered in sick.
"Right Rufus tell the Policemen what happened " the nurse asked.
"Right, it was 5 o'clock yesterday afternoon and I heard that she went to her cupboard to get her poor dog, Fangs, a bone."
The two officers both looked round to see a cardboard cut out of the smallest dog in the history of dog measuring.
"But when she got there...." Rufus continued "the cupboard was bare and poor fangs got nothing. So she went to the baker, to buy him some bread, but she came back...her poor dog was dead." Rufus said " but after that it is all mumble jumble rhymes to me..."
The young PC Cadett searched the apartment and found the body in the empty cupboard, but no sign of Fang
"P.C.Bumwillie, come quick I've found the body."
The victim was covered in tripe and because she was upside down, it was not difficult to see she was knickerless.
Now we know where the tripesmell came from." Bumwillie said to the cadett
"Let me, Cadett," Bumwillie said "I read lips." Again laughing out loud, while placing a lit cigarette in a place, you do not put a lit cigarette....especially if you want to keep it dry.
And again Nurse Ratbag sighed.
"Excuse me officer, please take your finger out of there." Nurse Ratbag said " I guarantee you, it is no way to get her fingerprints."
Bumwillie blushed and removed the said fingers.
"I'm sorry I thought I saw a 50 pence piece." He said while blushing.
The nurse threw a dish cloth over the gaping hole.
While at the window, getting some fresh air, from this inside world, the Cadett saw something very suspicious
"What the f......" he said and there they paused because it was tea time and as we know: everything stops for tea.
"But wait" screamed Bumwillie "before we have tea.....what is that hairy thing sticking out of the ground."
"WOW!" Screamed the Cadett " Dibs it's mine."
That is when they all laughed and then they finally paused for tea.
TO BE CONTINUED
THE PANTY THIEF OF FODDLEBURG