chapter 1: if I could bounce for peace I would
Bouncy,bouncy,bouncy, the bouncing baby Betty bounced down Goosefart Avenue towards Auntie Jamima’s house, at the bottom of the hill.
Betty was sucking on some juicy succulent worms,he had just stolen from the Earth shop, at the top of Beverjuice Avenue.
“He!!!” I hear you scream. Yes,his Sadistic Mum and Dad,who were real bastards, had Christened him Betty, just for fun....the bastards!!!!!
Faster than the speed of light and springier than a kangaroo on heat,the Bouncing Baby Betty bounced up to the front window of Aunt Jamima’s house and proceeded to bounce right thru it.
The glass tinkeling sounds broke the eary silence of the living room and poor old Foofoo, the family pet, got such a fright, he soiled the Kashmir carpet,Uncle Biffo Bonkthewog had brought back from India, as a birthday present for cousin Spazzo, the plantboy standing in the corner.
“He may be a Spazzy..” moaned his mother Gertrude Stickyfudge “but he CAN still hear us.”
nobody doubted her and took turns fertilising him and giving him water and now he had grown up to be a big strong plantboy.
“Godstrewth!!: screamed Aunt Jamima ”Phone the emergency glassman,George,Bouncing Baby Betty’s has finally come home.”
George picking his nose and smoking a rolled up cigarette,made up of old rolled up cigarettes, sighed and he danced the Waltz towards the phone,,George was an avid dancer, but he was really bad at it............... kicking one of the 52 cats, Jamima had adopted,he coughed.............a screaching meeow filled our ears........
But,where had the Bouncing Baby Betty been????????
Grandad Bongo,the old circus clown, sat fiddling with himself in the lounge chair. ..soft moans and a very wattery fart erupted out of Bongo’s anul region.
As George came into the room and the once fresh smell of the brown bean and Rhubarb curry, which had filled the air in that room,was spoiled by the trouser cough of Bongo and the aroma waffted up George’s nostrills..
“Jamima” he belowed “I think, Grandad’s shat himself again...”
Grandad Bongo gave one of his now famous sneaky smile and proceeded to shit himself.
Jamima picked up the Bouncing Baby Betty and cleared the glass of his clothes...
“Oops!!!” Jamima laughed “it smells like,someone has done a doodee in their panyts.”
Grandpa Bongo appologised.
Jamima walked into the kitchen and placed the Bouncing baby Betty in the sink and there the bouncing baby Betty slept...at least up until teatime.
Meanwhile George had gotten hold of Shiney O’mallabeJeevers,the Irish glas repair man.
Shiney had moved to Foddleburg in 1962,when he had gotten on the wrong bus home after a night out on the town in Dublin and when he awoke,he just stayed..because as he put it...
“Such a nice place to wash yer feet.”
Shiney had a thing about washing his feet and usually did it 23 times a day,except on Sunday, then he did it 41 times.
“Shiney!” George screamed “Shiney get yer feckin fat arse up here,the Bouncing Baby Betty has just jumped through the bloody window again.”
‘Rightie ho.” Shiney said “be there quicker than you can say the alfabet backwards.”
“Z Y X W V U T S R Q P O N M.........”
“BING BONG!” panted Shiney out of breath,thru the broken window.
For Shiney lived next door to George
Shiney had brought his twin brother Sparkley along,he was actually no good with glass and to be honest thought,he was a dog, so Shiney couldn’t leave him alone at home, otherwise, he chewed upshoes and ripped the furniture....even after Shiney had gotten him a brand new muzzle for their birthday.
Usually he tied Sparkely up to a tree and told him to sit and wait for him,but this time,he felt that Sparkely had behaved so well,the last week,he just told him to sit and wait.......
“Sit.’ Shiney said ”won’t be a moment,just got to help those nice people.”
Sparkely looked at him with a smile and ran off
“ah Feck” Shiney said “Feck indeed”
Shiney grabbed his tools and set about repairing the window, but it was a strange day indeed.
And there were still questions to be answered.......and answered they would be..................
CHAPTER 2: YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD BABY DOWN
“My God.” screamed Jamima “ the bouncing baby Betty has escaped out of the kitchen window.......AGAIN!”
Running towards the back door,there was no sign of him,she looked left and she looked right, she looked around the garden and,she even checked out,the Bouncing Baby Betty’s faviourite hiding place,in the bucket,behind the shed....no Bouncing Baby Betty.
But out the corner or her eye she saw,betting slips.
“Very strange” she said “must be from George or from Shiney, from when he snuk round here,in his lunch break,for a quick wank and a wash of his feet.”
Yes Jamima,knew about Shiney’s quick wank,she had spotted it,one summer day,when she was hanging out the washing.
“Strange”...she thought “sticky wet snow......and it is going up the way."
As Shiney lay underneath her looking up her skirt........
TO BE CONTINUED
TO BE CONTINUED
The Foddleburg Tales