page 2

3 times a year,every 4 months October,February,June

Copyright © s.a.smith/zeekthefreak 2017. All rights reserved.

page 2

OPERATION BOO-BOOB continued from page 1

......and so everything was set in motion and the day of the operation arrived.

Flown in from Jamaica was sex operation specialist and voodoo witch doctor,

Dr Rastus Odinga-Mihatmicoatmighadi. The world's leading surgeon in this field.

 

On the morning of the Operation, Thumper was noted as being relaxed, even when they were heading towards the O.R. he was reading the Fashion Page of Ladies weekly...upside down and singing 'it's raining men' backwards. Well, he was doped up to the eyes balls on Morphine for the operation.

 

Dr Rastus (pictured right) takes up the story.

"Yeah man, everything was as gangee as usual,

man I and I and the nurses soaped each other

up man from head to toe, yeah man!, you can't

cut corners on hygiene, we smoked the massive

Dobbie, cracked open a bottle of Johnny Walker

Black label....hit the tunes on the CD player, man...

Bob Marley of course, yeah! man and we did

the wild thing, man......well, I have, to be honest,

if I am sober, blood makes me queasy, man.”

 

Unfortunately,Fugus had no idea what Dr Rastus was

on about. He did, however, find out from Nurse Dong-rider that the operation took 2 days, 3 Doobie's, a case of Johnny Walker and the whole Discography of his grooviness Sir Bob of Marley.She also said that, according to Dr Rastus, the operation was a success..well, she thought he said that, but it could also have said, 'man, me has the munchies.'

 

A few weeks passed, when they realised they had left Thumper in a cupboard. He was put into the recovery room, but that misplacement was only the least of his worries. Because on the cleansing of Thumper or Jamima, as he had hoped to be known, it was then Nurse Dongrider discovered the most terrible of bad things and she pushed the red button and the alarm was raised of this operation failure.

 

In tears, Lassie Bush (pictured left) takes up the story:

“It was the worse moment of my life...okay the time

I ran drunk naked through Tesco's because I had

pooped my pants or even the time I got married was

crap as well,were bad, but believe me this is right up

there with those moments”

 

It was everything our reporter could do to console her...

from a distance with a stick and rubber glove of course.

Because you could see the pressure had told on Lassie,

she had aged considerably in the last few days and was

even uglier, if that was possible ...woof woof............

 

After an hour sobbing and when Fungus had finally

come back from lunch, Lassie was still too distraught.

Nurse Dong-rider (pictured right) takes up the story:

 

“In all my 97 years as a nurse, I had never

witnessed such a big mistake in an operation

theatre and I have seen some whoppers in

my time, but this.....”

 

and believe me, when I tell you Nurse Dong-rider had

seen a thing or two, but I won't go into that now.

It was now evident the extent of the problem,

because Thumper was no longer a man, as he was,

he was in fact not even a woman like he really wanted...

he was in fact now a TREE.

 

Where a head of bushy hair should have been, there were just bushy leaves. Where an arm should have been there was a branch and where his legs should have been, there were roots.

 

It was a disaster of the highest order and no words can truly explain the magnitude of pain and distress this family has had to endure.

 

But what now for everyone involved? Lassie took Thumper or Betula Papyrifera as he is now officially called in latin, home and they planted him at the bottom of the Garden. Where they can still spend the long summer nights reminiscing together.

 

Nurse Dong-rider is still a nurse heading into her 100th year as a nurse.

 

We tried to catch up with Dr Rastus, but he has disappeared....literally and although our thoughts have not been confirmed, probably living on his Island in his luxury mansion with his yacht and 68 wives, but we must stress these are just rumours and he could be actually standing next to you now.

As for the Hospital, the troubles are only just beginning and this could be a lengthy and expensive court case.

We will keep you in touch with developments as they progress in this strange case

Betula's the centre of attention, as family gathered to celebrate his/her/it's birthday last year

There was a break-in at Joy Stick's sex parlour on Beatnik Road. Among things stolen were a dozen rubber willies. Anyone with infomation,

please contact our kinky division

Police are warning people already

about the up and coming festive

season, to be on the look out for a

jolly fat man with white hair and

beard, known to give sweets to kids,

lures them with toys, Be aware

 

Police would like to commend the

members of the Cuntington District

Neighbourhood watch, for kicking

the shit out of a burglar. BRAVO

advertisement

The very Reverend Freako shit stirs with his radical views and sermons

 

HOI, ALI GIVE IT A REST

 

In wake of all those terrorist acts, I think it's time I said my piece. I recall the words of that Groovy song, 'Killing in the name of Love', from that dope band Rage against the machine.

And so I say unto anyone, who is a radical nutjob : Fucking stop it, ffs there are no virgins, no promised land, well not for you, you dikhead'.....I do not care what your faith is, but I can guarentee you J.C. and his buddy Muhammad are not into this shit.

Honestly, all you will look like is a pound of mince. There is no religion better than any other and even though it pisses me off, no one goes to the church anymore, it doesn't mean I have the right to kill someone. Believe me stop it! Okay, don't make me mention this again.

 

NEXT TIME: IS SATAN REAL AND ALWAYS IN THE KITCHEN AT PARTIES?

 

So until next time, be safe and love one another, Yes that means you too Ali.......ffs

sponsors

The Editor's Introduction

Welcome to the Fools Funnybone, No 1.

I hope you enjoy the humour and remember folks, don't take everything literally or so seriously, it is honestly just meant to make you laugh and is in no way intended to shame disrespect or annoy anyone and it's FREE.

 

I have spent almost 2 months, writing and working on this and I know there is room for improvement because as always I am very critical of my work. So, there is no need for

others to point out the mistakes,

just enjoy the humour.

 

Well, no time to relax,

work's already started

on Number 2,

which will be even

funnier than No. 1

For now, be safe

 

Zeek Catweazle

TONIGHTS T.V. LISTINGS:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FODDLEBURG 1

 

18.00 -18.40 Newsnight

the latest Foddleburg news

 

18.40-19.00 Sport

 

19.00-20.00 Super Duper

The daily soap of everyday

life in the supermarket

 

20.00-20.30 Spank my Monkey

Hilarious happenings in a

new sitcom about life in a zoo

 

20.30-21.00 Blame Norman

Everyone's favourite quiz

show, who do we blame?

.........Norman

 

21.00-21.30 Late News and sport

from around the world

 

21.25-21.30 the weather

 

21.30-00.25 Late Horror Film

The curse of Nobman (1958)

 

00.25-00.45 Religion Today

for all you holy Joe's

 

00.45-07.00 Night Porn

 

FODDLEBURG 2

 

18.00-21.00 World Domino's

Round 3 of the championship

live from Dublin

 

21.00-23.30 Ballet Tights

a repeat of the Foddleburg

Ballet Society's rendition of

Chick Kofski's 'My Nutscracker'

 

23.30-00.30 Politics & wine

Jeremy Cunt presents this

political show with some wine

 

00.30-07.00 Lazy Sods shopping

tv shopping channel

 

 

Times be vary and probably will

advertisement

Travel News

ROAD WORKS

there are traffic jams expected on the

A2B due to some dikhead in head office

in a badmood

 

The junction between Liar Street and Boak Avenue is totally closed, due to a

big hole in the road, possibly caused by a meteorite,Police say. You judge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drivers are advised to stay at home.

 

AIR TRAVEL

All flights by Shamus Irish Ailines have been cancelled. Due to pilots can't remember where they parked the plane

Today's Weather

by Elrika Goldenshower

 

Cloudy with a chance of rain and maybe some sunshine and even some hail and thunder....being honest we don't have a fucking clue, just look out the window you lazy sod. To make this section look really professional, here is a weather map of America

PSYCHOLOGY CORNER with Fartz

(Carl Jung's smelly & really stupid brother)

WE MEET OURSELVES

TIME AND AGAIN IN A

THOUSAND DISGUISES ON THE PATH OF

MIRRORS

IT'S IN MY STAR

 

Today's horoscope from our very grumpy and gay Grussel Rant who knows all about your stars

 

Unfortunately today's horoscopes have been cancelled. Due to Grussel being involved in a terrible accident he didn't see coming. He slipped on lub-oil and landed on a rubber willie

Copyright © 1996-2017 www.zeek.org.uk. All rights reserved.