......and so everything was set in motion and the day of the operation arrived.
Flown in from Jamaica was sex operation specialist and voodoo witch doctor,
Dr Rastus Odinga-Mihatmicoatmighadi. The world's leading surgeon in this field.
On the morning of the Operation, Thumper was noted as being relaxed, even when they were heading towards the O.R. he was reading the Fashion Page of Ladies weekly...upside down and singing 'it's raining men' backwards. Well, he was doped up to the eyes balls on Morphine for the operation.
Dr Rastus (pictured right) takes up the story.
"Yeah man, everything was as gangee as usual,
man I and I and the nurses soaped each other
up man from head to toe, yeah man!, you can't
cut corners on hygiene, we smoked the massive
Dobbie, cracked open a bottle of Johnny Walker
Black label....hit the tunes on the CD player, man...
Bob Marley of course, yeah! man and we did
the wild thing, man......well, I have, to be honest,
if I am sober, blood makes me queasy, man.”
Unfortunately,Fugus had no idea what Dr Rastus was
on about. He did, however, find out from Nurse Dong-rider that the operation took 2 days, 3 Doobie's, a case of Johnny Walker and the whole Discography of his grooviness Sir Bob of Marley.She also said that, according to Dr Rastus, the operation was a success..well, she thought he said that, but it could also have said, 'man, me has the munchies.'
A few weeks passed, when they realised they had left Thumper in a cupboard. He was put into the recovery room, but that misplacement was only the least of his worries. Because on the cleansing of Thumper or Jamima, as he had hoped to be known, it was then Nurse Dongrider discovered the most terrible of bad things and she pushed the red button and the alarm was raised of this operation failure.
In tears, Lassie Bush (pictured left) takes up the story:
“It was the worse moment of my life...okay the time
I ran drunk naked through Tesco's because I had
pooped my pants or even the time I got married was
crap as well,were bad, but believe me this is right up
there with those moments”
It was everything our reporter could do to console her...
from a distance with a stick and rubber glove of course.
Because you could see the pressure had told on Lassie,
she had aged considerably in the last few days and was
even uglier, if that was possible ...woof woof............
After an hour sobbing and when Fungus had finally
come back from lunch, Lassie was still too distraught.
Nurse Dong-rider (pictured right) takes up the story:
“In all my 97 years as a nurse, I had never
witnessed such a big mistake in an operation
theatre and I have seen some whoppers in
my time, but this.....”
and believe me, when I tell you Nurse Dong-rider had
seen a thing or two, but I won't go into that now.
It was now evident the extent of the problem,
because Thumper was no longer a man, as he was,
he was in fact not even a woman like he really wanted...
he was in fact now a TREE.
Where a head of bushy hair should have been, there were just bushy leaves. Where an arm should have been there was a branch and where his legs should have been, there were roots.
It was a disaster of the highest order and no words can truly explain the magnitude of pain and distress this family has had to endure.
But what now for everyone involved? Lassie took Thumper or Betula Papyrifera as he is now officially called in latin, home and they planted him at the bottom of the Garden. Where they can still spend the long summer nights reminiscing together.
Nurse Dong-rider is still a nurse heading into her 100th year as a nurse.
We tried to catch up with Dr Rastus, but he has disappeared....literally and although our thoughts have not been confirmed, probably living on his Island in his luxury mansion with his yacht and 68 wives, but we must stress these are just rumours and he could be actually standing next to you now.
As for the Hospital, the troubles are only just beginning and this could be a lengthy and expensive court case.
We will keep you in touch with developments as they progress in this strange case