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3 times a year,February,June,October Copyright © 1996-2018 www.zeek.org.uk All rights reserved.

Reporting the stories the mainstream media chooses to ignore.


Foddleburg C.I.D. and the Riot squad of the 'CrackHeads' Division stormed the 'Stifz Old farts Home', in full riot gear, yesterday morning, sources tell us.


Police Press Officer Wilma McCuddywuddy said in an interview that several inhabitants of 'The Stifz Old Farts Home' were helping the Police with their inquiries, but she couldn't elaborate on the situation, at this time. As it was an ongoing investigation, but we here at F.F. know that she really meant was, they had been nicked.


So we sent the Fools Funnybone ace reporter Fungus McNosyfecker to the scene, yesterday afternoon and his revealings were disturbing, to say the least.


Extortion, vitamins ring, underwear laundering are a few of his finding, but that is only the tip of the Iceberg, some were taking over age hanky-panky, to the limits.


He also found out, that this whole operation was under the control of 91-year-old Italian ex-chip shop owner Don Luigi Freakilioni or 'the Greaseball' as they called him, because of his access use of Brylcreem. Which in itself is strange, as Luigi is completely bald


When we questioned D.I. McCuddywuddy about our findings, she just giggled nervously,refusing to comment, but we could see the 20-pound notes sticking out her back pocket.


What the hell was going on here?

We had to know the truth

Don Freakilioni does what he wants in the home

We approached Director Dr Doofeckall of the home, inquiring about this grave situation, we were refused an interview and ushered to the door by 2 big gorillas in suits and a few penguins in dresses. He was an animal lover, but that is another story.


We have heard rumours that 84-year-old retired Police officer P.C. Eve N. All, another resident of the home, a known bent copper, was also involved in the capers.

We cannot verify if he is involved but can reveal that he is most definitely bent and has been so for the last 5 years since he put his back out.


85-year-old lawyer and roommate of the accused, "fingers' Indatil did take the time to comment to us.

" tu sei morta. tua madre era una puttana e tuo padre era un detersivo turco. Lascialo solo"

But since Italian is not spoken in the Fools Funnybone office, we had to acquire the assistant of another of Freakilioni's compadres 78-year-old Deaf Louie Speakup to translate.

"He saida our clienta isa innocenta"

But we weren't 100 % convinced he was telling the truth.


Police sources have revealed just before we went to print,

that Mister Freakilioni and all his compadres had been released as they were not enough evidence to convict them. At the same time, we have also learned that a huge donation has been anonymously made to the Police Officers retirement funds. We have no evidence of the donor, but the bank clerk explained, the notes did smell of chip fat.


We thought that there was some sneaky shit going on here and we were gonna investigate more and reveal all to the world., but after a lengthy discussion with Mister Freakilioni and his 2 henchmen 83 year old Bob 'Gripper' Bydahooters and 70 year old young one ex Russian KGB Nasher Fuckinheadov we were made an offer we couldn't refuse and some spaghetti from Old Auntie Pasta of room 328.


So concluding this report, we say we totally believe Mister Freakilioni is a nice and law-abiding citizen. Scouts honour.



America to set an Agenda for attack

The U.S. military forces are set to have discussions with any poor country in the world and set a date to attack them, because as we all know, War is money. but due to so many countries wanting to be attacked, A spokesman for the U.S. has commented they will do a World Tour, starting sometime this year in Africa, then the Middle East and so on and hope-fully by 2020 they will own all these countries

Eating a Chinese in the 1970's

A gruesome investigation that was closed nearly 40 years ago due to lack of circumstantial evidence has been reopened by Dundee C.I.D. after the evidence was reevaluated and conclusive grounds were found indicating there had been foul play (and not of the chicken kind).

Visitors to "Jimmy's Chinese takeaway" of Coldside, Dundee, claimed, so many years ago, that they had eaten Jimmy when he never returned back to work from a holiday to visit family in China.

The investigation is now ongoing, but police are almost certain they will not retrieve a body, as that had been shat out all those many years ago.

We couldn't get a photo of "Jimmy's" as it no longer a Chinese take away, but we did get the next best thing, the library which is just up the road



With the release of the ZEEKtheFREAK: Spaced Out On Planet Bizarre CD. The Russian Space Programme has decided the beat the US of A and send a Sputnik space station to Planet Bizarre. When interviewed, the Space Controller Anatoly Poopiekakov said (in a very strange German accent):


"Ve Vont to beat those Capitalist Peegs!"


Our space programme reporter Nigel Captainslog523 tried to explain to Anatoly that Planet Bizarre was not an actual place, but a planet made up by Zeek.

Unfortunately, due to the budget cuts to the Russian space programme, it seems the interpreter got his translation totally wrong and the Space controller and our reporter Nigel are now happily married and hope to adopt in the near future.


As for the journey to Planet Bizarre, we will just let them find out for themselves...idiots!!!

The Rocket launch is Thursday at 2 a.m., as it's cheaper during the night.

Anatoly Poopiekakov looking very excited,but we have no idea why?

LATEST NEWS: We have gathered that the stupid Americans have joined it the race to fly

to Planet Bizarre. We have also come to the conclusion, this world is full of total idiots.


full report page 2

Benjamin Brespaw (2nd cousin removed of Bernard Breslaw) had aimed to raise money for

charity by sitting for a short amount of time on a portable toilet. The charity was the Saggy

Arse Foundation, a rare affliction found in older men and women and has been scientifically proven that 9 times out of 10 this leads to Poepennofuckinitis, the disease of shitting oneself and not caring, but his plans for a weekend and a Monday morning sitting, turned into 3 weeks, as Benjamin's legs went numb and he couldn't get off the toilet to unlock the door.


But his dismay later turned to joy, because Benjamin had

just shat himself into the Guinness book of records for the

longest sit on a portable loo.


Benjamin, as our photo right shows, was ecstatic when he

heard this news and asked for lots of attention, as he had

been lonely during that time, but when offered a chair, he

just laughed and told the Samaritan politely to fuck off.


But it was not all plain sailing, as mentioned earlier his legs

went numb, his arse was in tatters and due to refreshments

only being liquid, which he was fed through a hole in the

roof, he only needed to pee a lot and had not had a shit since

the first Tuesday tea time


When rescuers finally managed to break down the door, they

were overcome by the pee smell and had to be resuscitated

and thus it was another 6 hours before they finally got

Benjamin out


But what now for Benjamin, when asked if he had any more plans to raise money for the charity. He just laughed and said "Yeah! fucking right, the old buggers can shit themselves for all I care," and with that, he was off dancing into the distance, his bare bum upright, very tight and in no way was it sagging



BENJEMIN SHITS FOR CHARITY and (rear) ends up in the record books

by reporter


the Ultra middle Party leader Norbert Nice will be running for office in the Foddleburg North bye-elections, next Saturday. The UMP is known as a very aggressive political party, who are not quite sure which direction to take.

He will be up against the National Right candidate Adolf Smith and the Wollen Socks Nice Party's Veronica Cupcake.


Captain Von Wearmaning

(right), leader of 27th platoon

of the Boys Brigade from the

St.Churchill Church on Seethe-

light Way has welcomed the

new look for the Platoon.

"Das youth organisations ist

growing schön" He said

the smart new look of the B.B.

Local News


Police have issued a statement saying:

Contrary to public beliefs. Urinating in the bath does not make your hair glow and your complections smooth. It just makes you smell of pish.

So they have asked the culprits to refrain from peeing in the public baths



we have conducted a survey amongst experts and the general public who claim to have a sense of humour to get their opinions on what effect the release of the Fools Funnybone 1 has had on society.

As yet only a handful have answered, leading us to believe people are still laughing and cannot bring themselves to answer.

Which leaves us with a BIG problem, as FF2 is even funnier and we fear that some might die laughing. So should we carry a Government Health warning, because can it be true..........

the Fools Funnybone

is just too damn funny

Cleansing Meditation Guru: VIMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

Colonel Gerry Knife-in Pyphon Tree new party leader

The SRATS Political party have elected Colonel Knife-in Pyphon Tree (pictured below) as there new party leader and that is a surprise for two reasons. 1) he has no prior Political knowledge and 2) he has no brain, but in politics that is not really a problem.

SRATS or Seriously Rich and Totally Stupid Party are a

political party for Frightfully and really ultra-rich, the kind

that wipe their bottoms with 100 pound notes. They are also

so rich they didn't feel the need to go to school and thus are

very very very stupid and they talk so funny that no one

understands them. Hell, it is so strange they don't even

understand each other.

Colonel Tree had his brain removed about 4 years ago as it

was discovered he was so stupid, his brain was an unneces

-sary commodity, like an unwanted nipple or a boil on the

bottom of his arse bone.

To stop his head from caving in they filled it up with mince

and an old cassette recorder with a few tapes. Nowadays his

speeches do go on a bit, but if he's really boring you can fast

forward him to the end of his speech. His voice can vary in

speed though, if his battery is running out.

He spoke to us from his cage in Pyphon Tree Manor "Gaffaw gaffaw gaffaw, licky botty ping fart wobbly bottoms, howzat yer out, mince my arse."

Which we are informed translated means "I am wobbly." or words to that effect. We doubt politics will ever be the same now this halfwit idiot is involved

Religious Quote of the day

Thou shall not go mental and

do a number on someones head


Further in this Edition

TOUR DE FODDLEBURG,the latest etappe. Plus all the other sporting results, football, rugby and racing results

Fun stuff under the supervision of Old Man Smelopoop, a scary but friendly sweety shop owner

All the latest news and gossip from the glossy world of showbiz, entertainment and music, all totally jen

All this and much much more


Kiddies Korner


If you have BIT(coins), you are in the shit,

if you have pounds, then you're going down,

if you have dollar, then you gonna holler

if you have Yen, you got no Zen


In other words as the rich get richer

the poor are fucked. Our advice is:



Yes it Hurts!

Molenstraat 42A

1741 GK Schagen



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